My truth is that there are a lot of things you can say to convince yourself and other people of who you are. You can fill your lungs with what you think they want to hear. But if you do that, nothing comes back to you. You are left exasperated. Letting go isn鈥檛 comfortable, since these things become bittersweet defenses to things you feel you can鈥檛 change. In a new country, with these new people, you鈥檒l want to hold onto these defenses more than ever. You鈥檒l feel small at times and out of control.
I used to criticize myself for holding on so tightly. You鈥檒l see why it had to be that way. You were small so you could grow. What鈥檚 hard about being told to grow is wanting it so badly. Just know, that whatever you鈥檙e feeling is okay. My advice is to try and listen before you think of what to say. Forgive yourself when you don鈥檛. Mind the gap that carries all that space between where you are and where you want to be. Be grateful. There is something in you that begs for this. And now you are being given an opportunity to learn some humbling, beautiful, extraordinary lessons.
There are times, often times, when I feel like that sixteen-year-old girl in another country, (Kenya) for the first time.聽聽 Right now I鈥檓 sitting in an empty pink bedroom, in a creaky green house, in the colorful city of Valpara铆so, Chile. There is no way I could have prepared myself for how uncomfortable I am. But I laugh about it. I鈥檓 constantly falling in love with this strange place. In large part because of my training, I am patient. I listen like my life depends on it. I regard people as leaders. I regard myself as a leader. My story rests somewhere like inspiration. When parts of my insecurity catch me, I am patient again.
Just remember, despite how it might feel, you鈥檙e the one who asked for this. Your future self will look back and regard you as a teacher.
